Hawk in a Blue Sky

Today on our way to LifeGroup, we drove through the countryside. The sky was a crystal clear blue sprinkled with thin wispy clouds. Sitting on the hydro lines, accented against the sky was a hawk. Brown feathers contrasted against winter swept fields while his magnificent predator's beak was silhouetted against the bright sun. Birds of prey fascinate me. Seeing this wonderful hunter in the wild made my day. For a moment, my heart sung at such a beautiful sight.

A Chance Encounter

My days never go as planned. Today was no exception. We were having a nice leisurely morning when a good friend called. She was trying to make arrangements for tomorrow's small group as she is supposed to host, but was very ill yesterday. She threw up 17 times! My poor poor friend! As a fellow mom of small children, I understand how hard it is to be a little bit sick, let alone caught in the grip of a horrible, take no prisoners kind of flu. I arranged to come over later that morning with some food. My morning ran later than expected and we stopped at the Zehrs closest to my friend's house.

I was in a horrible mood, having left a screaming child in the van with her father. I was walking through the store trying in vain to get ahold of my parents when I saw someone I knew. Now this wasn't just anybody, the people I bumped into happened to be my aunt and uncle. We chatted and they invited us over to their house for a bbq. My cousin was celebrating her 20th birthday and her son just turned 1. We all lead busy lives (who doesn't?) so I haven't seen them in quite awhile.

I called Steve and he was game, although unsure how well the screaming child would react. We went off to run our errands. Funnily enough, we drove all the way to another friend's house only to get there and discover I had forgotten the parcel I was supposed to be delivering. Thankfully she got a good laugh out of it and I got a hug. :) Hugs are good!

Then we went back to my aunt and uncle's house. My grandmother just got back from S. America. We had a very good visit with her and my uncle. He was the most lucid I've seen him in quite awhile and seemed very cheerful. I'm not as close to my dad's side of the family as I'd like to be. Although they're geographically closer, I've always been emotionally closer to my mom's side. Building relationships with them as adults has been nice. It feels strange not to be well connected and every bridge we build helps in rectifying the lack of connection. Thankfully my family really enjoys Steve. :)

To me, this is both funny and evidence of how God is at work in our lives. A random phone call prompted a random errand which resulted in a couple hours spent hanging out with my family. Incidentally, my mother had just suggested that I get together with my cousin, but I didn't know how we were going to make that happen. I guess God did. :)

It's midnight and I just walked in the door. Oops!

This will be very very quick. My bed is calling me. But here are today's highlights:

1) WE MADE IT TO SCHOOL ON TIME!!!!!!! There wasn't any drama this morning while getting ready to school. The kids played very nicely with their duplos building birds, robots and cars. Even Kian joined in. It felt so good getting to school on time. :)

2) The CYW had very good things to say about Aris. I had a lovely chat with her again, and I feel much better about where Aris is going. At this point we're confident with the interventions at hand, but have a next step ready if her behaviour escalates. Right now, I think we're good. Just talking to Sara(her real name, she said I could use it) has done Aris a world of good. *sigh of relief*

3) I made bread by hand and baked brownies. My house smelt good. :)

4) My mom, my MIL, and my aunt all came for tea this afternoon at the same time. This was rather impromptu and not at all co-ordinated but I think it worked really well. I enjoyed spending time with three wonderful women at the same time.

5) The bus driver refused to take Aris' ticket, letting her ride the bus for free! She was very sweet to us and to all of her passengers. I so appreciate bus drivers that minister to their passengers.

6) I had tea with a good friend this evening. Aris went to her very first friend sleepover today. We know the family well and have a great relationship with them, so I'm not concerned. While dropping Aris off, I stayed for tea and a chat. It was nice. :)

7) I had my first official prenatal visit as a doula. I'm not sure if I'm quite allowed to say that yet or if I have to add in the (in-training). This was my first step in taking on that role. As my client is also my friend, I wore both hats during the meeting. We talked for over three hours, enjoying hot chocolate and brownies. As typical with me, our conversation hopscotched around, landing back on birth and then taking off again. We laughed, we cried and we were real. I so value conversations like that! Seeing myself as a doula and acting in that official role still feels foreign. But it also feels right.

8) Being told that of all the people my friend knows, I am the only person that had the right personality and skills to be her labour support person. I am so deeply honoured.

9) My wonderful husband who helped photocopy papers and just be so supportive in the midst of this evenings whirlwind. :) Also for his patience when he called to ask if I knew what time it was. I didn't. It was 11:25pm. Oops.

And now, to bed. Another day full of surprises awaits me tomorrow. :)

A Big Thank You to the Wonderful Support Staff

I stood in my kitchen with my hands over my face sobbing " I can't do this! I give up!" My wonderful husband paused in tidying up the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and prayed for me, for us and for our kids. He helped as much as he could amid the absolute chaos then headed out the door. I got the kids on their feet, in the backcarrier and out. There was enough drama that we almost stayed home, but finally out we went.

We got to school late again. This was our third late slip this week after an almost perfect year. We've been late, just not late slip late. I got the slips, told the secretary I'd be back and headed down the hall with Aris. She was hugged, prayed over and sent in with her late slip. I headed back down the hall and slipped into the office. When the secretary came over "I need help" were the words that came pouring out of my mouth. She listened sympathetically and decided that I needed to meet with the Child and Youth Worker, Steph(not her real name).

This was kinda awkward. I had a baby on my back and my four year old in tow. I knew Steph by sight, but we hadn't been introduced. Off down the hall we went to several tables that were set up in the corner. Kian came out of the back carrier and Zane was set up with markers and paper. Then we began to chat. I was obviously stressed and feeling uncomfortable. Pouring out my heart to someone I don't know feels weird. I didn't know that God had a treat in store for me.

For about an hour, Steph and I chatted. We laughed, felt the sting of tears, discussed kids, infidelity, alligators, doulas, anxiety and forensic anthropology. I walked in feeling at the end of my rope. I came out with confidence and a smile on my face. We shared a bit of our lives, of being a mom and loving kids that are going through hard times. Our failures weren't taboo, there was no pretence, no "prettying-up" of the picture. There wasn't any judgement either. Her honesty offered me hope. My honesty in return offered acceptance. There were quite a few times when one of us exclaimed "You get me! No one else does!" It was a very good conversation. She's someone I'd like to keep as a friend.

On the walk home, Aris said that Steph came to visit her. They had a good chat and Aris was feeling much better about life. She said that Steph is going to come visit her everyday and that Aris is looking forward to their conversations. The change in Aris from the last couple of days is remarkable. A huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders!

What started in failure ended in success. This morning was pretty black and bleak. Thankfully this picture looks much brighter and better at the end of the day. Now, to get to school on time tomorrow! :)

Big Snowflakes

Yesterday I ate poorly. In fact, I'm not sure I had a proper meal at all unless of course leftover pizza does constitute a healthy breakfast. Being at my workshop and staying in a hotel, I didn't exactly eat properly over the weekend either, although I did eat some fruits and veggies. Alas as I near thirty, my body no longer tolerates this abuse. This morning my body flatly refused to leave the bed. It took me about 20 minutes to convince my limbs to move. I got dressed and crawled downstairs only to discover that my kitchen was in a state of chaos. Dirty kitchens are no fun! This wouldn't have been such a big deal except that I had put in a lot of energy trying to clean it yesterday only to cook a yummy supper and then have to leave before even getting to eat it. Tuesday's are my crazy evenings with Aris' dance class and then my yoga class. I typically don't get in until 10:30pm at which point I drag myself to bed. The kitchen does not get touched by me on Tuesdays. Unfortunately the magic kitchen fairy was exhausted and went to bed early, so a great big mess greeted me this morning. The thought of all this work on top of my exhaustion just about caused me to cry. And then there's that lovely thought of "My work doesn't matter. It gets dirty, I clean, it gets dirty again". Such bright and cheerful thoughts for a Wednesday.

I wear Kian on my back during the winter. We climb a snowhill to get to school that isn't passable by anything other than foot. I am not crazy enough to attempt walking with Kian. He would love that, I would most likely NOT be able to appropriately model God's grace and forgiveness to my kids. So my little man goes onto my back and off we go. Today when I first took his weight, an extra wave of exhaustion hit. How on earth was I going to make it to school?

The first person we saw outside was my dear friend and neighbour. My kids ran over to her and Kian called from my back "Nessa!" in his cute lilting voice. This was the first time he has said her name! That was pretty cool. After giving her a hug(also a good thing), we set off. And then I noticed the beauty of the day. Great big snowflakes were drifting past me, being gently blown over my head from behind. The trees stood large, brown and majestic against the white snow and blue sky. Kian started wiggling on my back and the kids said that he was catching snowflakes with his mittens and licking them off of my jacket. We continued walking, drinking in the beauty and my soul was soothed.

p.s. i did manage to accomplish something today. I did clean my kitchen, did two loads of laundry, ate a proper lunch and made cornbread to go with supper. after the kids came home, we did a frantic clean before grandma and grandpa came over so my house is much cleaner than it was. *contented sigh*

Failure

Over the past week, I've been thinking a lot about failure. Poor Steve has had to listen to much of my ramblings, some of which were repeats. He is very patient with my verbally processing brain. I've been mulling over my thoughts again today and have more newer thoughts. Hopefully my counselling app't will clear up much of the confusion and allow my brain to move on past this fear of failure.

Failure is a pretty big thing. Trying something and having it end badly is horrible, but even worse is the fear that comes with failure. Sometimes this fear prevents us from beginning anything, sometimes fear cripples us halfway through, often when we're just about to succeed. I was going to give an potential example of that about my mother driving on the St. Catherine's Skyway, but then decided that I didn't need to give her any bad ideas. :) Failure in and of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. But the fear attached to it can wound and even kill our potential, hopes and dreams.

I've been thinking a lot about failure because I'm embarking on a new course. Most likely this will be what I do for the rest of my life. Somewhere on the transition from scared, panicked absolutely clueless single mom to (mostly) confident mom of three, I've fallen in love with birth. I'm fascinated by the process and how every woman is unique and different, especially when it comes to bringing new life into the world. Over the weekend, I spent about 16 hours talking about birth, researching birth, and watching videos about birth. We even did birth art after interviewing a woman who had given birth. My hope is to become a fully certified doula and specialize in teen and unsupported/crisis pregnancies. Eventually, when my children are much older, I would like to apply to midwifery school.

What's interesting is that this dream itself came out of failure. I got pregnant right before my 21st birthday. I wasn't married, wasn't even exactly dating my not-then-boyfriend. We had been together for about 4 years, but that time was mostly off. Our relationship was extremely rocky. My parents were not impressed. I was terrified, overwhelmed and sleep-deprived. I knew nothing about pregnancy, childbirth or breastfeeding. I knew nothing about parenting. Thankfully my next-door neighbour was also pregnant and took me under her wing. Thanks to her I learned about breastfeeding, natural childbirth, babywearing, co-sleeping, attachment parenting and most importantly midwifery. Thanks to my unexpected pregnancy, I developed a passion for teen moms and those in crisis during pregnancy. I also found a new community with many moms where I found great support during those early days of "what on earth am I doing?!?" Motherhood did not come naturally to me!

Today I did a lot of thinking and came to accept that failure is okay. When I fail, I learn. That's how I cook after all. The first time I make a recipe something always goes wrong, even if it's just me doing something the hardest possible way. The more I do it, the better I become. Or I learn that no matter how many times I try to eat salmon, it still makes me sick. Failure is a key component in the process of self-discovery and refinement. How I handle failure is very important to my sense of self. Do I take all the blame? Do I take any of the blame? Do I stay hindered by fear? How do I reframe this experience and learn from it?

Believe it or not, this is what I'm thankful for today. My fear of failing and feeling like a failure has receded quite a lot today. And I took a big step in conquering my fears by contacting a local midwife for a tea date. One step at a time, I will get this done and go where God wants me without being strangled by fear. This is a huge change from last night's attitude. My wonderful husband will be soo happy! :)

Calm in the Storm.

The first sound I heard this morning was screaming. Unfortunately this isn't unusual at this stage in my life. Kian wakes up somewhere along the continuum from fussing to screaming. The older children typically take about five minutes until their first meltdown of the day. Many people tell me to savour this period of my life and that I will miss it someday. However, I doubt I will ever miss the screaming unless it's because I have completely lost my hearing. Thanks to all of the screaming, that is a fairly probable possibility.

Today's screaming was worst than normal. Kian has woken up extremely grumpy the last couple of mornings. Yesterday I was able to soothe him in about 10 minutes, not so much this morning. Poor Aris had a very bad weekend and spent the entire morning wailing and screaming. I'm not sure about you, but this was not a good start to my morning. However, something amazing happened today. I'm not exactly sure where it came from, but I was in a good mood. Even with all the screaming, I stayed calm. It took us about 30 minutes to get out the door this morning which resulted in the kids being late for school. Normally I would be in a flitter and not using my nice words. For some strange reason, that didn't happen today.

I'm not sure what was going on, but today was a strangely good day. By this I mean that it wasn't that the day went well, but that I handled things well and stayed strangely positive. The craziness of the weekend had caught up to me and I was exhausted to the bone. Kian was clingy and grumpy. The situation with Aris needs to be dealt with both in terms of her behaviour and emotional needs and in making sure that doesn't happen again. This is made more complex as I am getting different stories on what happened. *sigh* Life was crazy today but I'm still in a good mood. I've been in one all day. I have no clue as to why.

Part of it probably has to do with the amount of rephrasing we practiced this weekend. My course really stressed active listening, which I've done a lot this weekend. Perhaps this is just a result of practicing staying calm in the face of chaos and opposition. Or it could be the sheer amount of little blessings adding up. I had a really good connect time with my husband last night. He listened very well to my overflowing fountain of fears as I head in a new direction. I felt very cared for.

Some of it has to do with my kids. There have been so many special moments with them today. Kian is beginning to express affection and to talk. He called Steve and left him a voicemail. After the beep he said " Hi. Miss you. Love. Bye-bye. *kiss*." It was very very cute. He's also been physically expressing affection. Today he grabbed his spiderman doll and hugged him tight. He kissed and hugged both of his siblings. Then he tried to sing both of them to sleep. It was very cute. Seeing Kian change from a very demanding although adorable infant to an affectionate and active toddler is so encouraging. One day in the semi-distant future I won't wake up to screaming. But hopefully until then I will have many more days like this. Days of peace in the midst of the storm.