Breaking the Darkness

  The darkness came with waking yesterday.  I went to sleep filled with joy and determination but then as I roused from slumber, darkness slipped in.  Normally the opposite occurs, dark thoughts at evening and happiness rising with the sunshine.  But not yesterday.  I sunk deeper, refusing to eat, and then deeper still. I flung myself on the bed, covered my face with my pillow and refused to communicate.  Even after he snatched the pillow away, still I lay there staring at the ceiling.  No words, no eye contact, just me lying there silent.  He prayed. I wanted to pray, but the words were stuck.  The darkness locked me inside, stole me away.

 The phone rang and I began to speak a little, but only angry, hostile words.  Not the ones that rang inside my head.  Inside, my voice pleaded "Pray for me, love! I think I'm under spiritual attack."  But all that came out was "It doesn't matter.  I don't matter."  He couldn't hear the voice inside, but he knew.  Somehow he knew to pray and so he did.  I got out of bed, still being hostile, angry, defiant, hurting.  We were headed towards a big fight.  Then the doorbell rang.

 He ran downstairs and I heard him greet whomever it was cheerfully, "Hello Stranger!"  Who could it be, I wondered?  Certainly he wouldn't greet his mother that way and we weren't expecting anyone else. Sullenly I asked who it was.  He answered "T".  With his words, the dark spell broke.  I don't know how or why, but the chains fell away and I could be me again.  A great big smile took over my face as I welcomed her in and offered breakfast.  We laughed and joked, as peace and joy reigned again in my home. He made us breakfast(egg in a hole), overjoyed to cook for his wife who had been stubbornly determined not to eat.  When he finished cooking, we fellowshipped together over eggs, toast and coffee.
I was okay again.

 I can't say with certainty why the darkness came, or even why T's presence broke the spell or how she came to be at my door just then.  But I have my suspicions.  Once again, I am reminded of the power of prayer, the direction of the Holy Spirit and this crazy, overwhelming love of the Father.

 Joining with Em for Imperfect Prose today.  Oh the blessings of those husbands who pray for us and never ever give up.

Broken

 My heart has become barricaded, not hard exactly, but guarded.  I no longer trust that I have inherent value, that I am loved or lovable.  Overtures of friendship are met with suspicion, this heart no longer trusting words of encouragement, praise or love.  I push myself harder and harder, even as my body fails, because only in action can I possibly achieve worth. At night I cry, mourning the pain I bring my husband, wishing I could be a better wife.  He cries too, wanting me to know the value I have in Christ, but I am blinded.

 And then, while skating one night, I fall.  It's a silly fall, one that shouldn't have happened.  I fell, gently, landing on my bum, ending sprawled full-out, smacking my arm as I fell.  It wasn't a hard fall, but I hurt.  The pain ebbs a bit, only to return, reaching full-strength after I have driven home.  The next day we learn that my arm is broken, in a place it should not have broken.  And in this inner healing begins.

 For now this driven girl has to rest.  I cannot care for myself, can't brush or wash my long hair, can't even pull it back.  After almost a week of healing, I can almost dress myself fully, but I probably shouldn't.  Driving is out of the question, as is cooking and carrying my toddler.  I'm mostly housebound and not supposed to do anything. (I shouldn't be typing but...)

 And in this place, my heart has started to soften.  Friends have come around me in prayer, love and tangible acts of love.  One of my dear friends comes over every single day to brush and braid my hair for me.  If it wasn't for her, I'd have to cut it off.  My husband is nothing short of amazing, especially in how he cares for me and has taken over most of my chores.  The church that we stopped attending is supplying meals for us, as is the church we're currently attending.  Friends are helping with laundry, childcare and diapers.  I am humbled...and softened.

 My heart is still bruised and often angry, but here healing is beginning.  I have hope, just slivers sometimes, but hope none the less that full healing will come to this broken girl.  Now to rest my body, arm and spirit and learn to trust this great big God.  If broken bones can be used for God's glory, perhaps He can do something special with this broken heart too.

 Joining again with dear Em and the rest at

An Exciting Ending to 2010

 On a beautiful wintry night, the second last of the year, I went skating with some dear friends.  This time I was smart and left my purse and electronics at home. I haven't fallen in quite awhile, but still...smashing my phone and iPod would not endear me to my husband.  We had a lot of fun skating, but my skate was loose and my muscles sore, so I decided to be wise and exit the rink.  As I prepared to step out, someone rounded the corner and almost crashed into me.  She didn't(I still don't know how she avoided me), but in the confusion I lost my balance.  Down I went, ending up sprawled full-length on the rink.  Quickly, I rolled off and got to my feet, cradling my arm.  It hurt!

 One of my friends saw me fall, so she came over to check on me.  I thought I was just being a baby as I stood there cursing quietly.  I'm typically careful with my language, so this should have clued me in to the amount of damage I had done to my arm. But I thought I was just being a wuss, so I shooed my friends back onto the ice, insisting that I would be fine.  Eventually I pulled off my skates(that hurt too!) and waited for my friends to be done.  When they were done, I drove us home.  After arriving home, the group of us hung out with another friend.  My arm began to get even more painful.  Kate insisted on walking me back to my door.  By the time I went to bed, I was shaking.  Steve wanted to go to emerg, but I didn't want to be there all night.  Besides, it couldn't possibly be broken..it didn't hurt enough.

 After a visit to the doctor and then the x-ray clinic on New Year's Eve, we found out that my arm is indeed broken. *sigh* I'm frustrated, because I'm not supposed to be doing much.  But God is good and my friends and family have been taking good care of me.  Veronica has been coming over to do my hair, since I can't brush it or pull it back.  Steve has been being amazing!  I can't(or shouldn't) get dressed on my own, or wash my hair or do a lot of things.  I shouldn't be typing but the words were building up inside.  So you may or may not here from me for the next bit.  It should be an interesting couple of weeks as I can't drive, type, write, cook or bake.  I hope 2010 ended with much less of a bang for everyone else.  Happy New Year! :)

P.S I got books!!!!!

 Ooh, I forgot!  I got books today! Lots of books!  On our way out of town, we stopped at the library so I could pick up my book on hold.  As I walked in, I noticed the cart full of books for sale.  On the top shelf, sticking up so I could see them easily were The Babysitter's Club books.  I loved that series as a child and here they were for 10 cents each!  But I didn't have any money on me.

 As I checked out my book, I asked what forms of payment they accepted.  I expressed regret that I had neither cash nor cheque on me.   To my surprise, the librarian offered to hold the books for me.  Out in the hall, I decided to check the cart on to discover that they had the Bobbsey Twins and Nancy Drew.  I decided just to get the Babysitter's Club and the Bobbsey Twins, but when Steve went back he picked up the Nancy Drew books too.  In the pile was the very first book in the Nancy Drew series in pristine condition too!  It's a later edition, but I'm so excited!  Aris is relived to have more books to read.  Apparently she finished her latest stash.

 So I'm going to bed now, for real.  Really.  Merry Christmas! :)

And The Holidays Are Here!

 Holidays are upon us, complete with chilly weather, colds, children out of school, and road trips.  Yesterday we drove into Toronto to visit the Mythical Creatures exhibit at the Science Centre.  While it was very cool, I think I would have enjoyed it more had I been allowed to wander through slowly, not trying to keep my active toddler in view.  Today we drove an hour and a half the other way to visit Steve's grandmother.  We didn't stay long, just for lunch, but I think it was a good visit, especially because of the brevity. By the time we left, our boys had just about exhausted the limits of their good behaviour.  They managed to be pretty quiet for most of the visit, but started getting rambunctious and knocked over a lamp just as we were leaving.  Thankfully it didn't break and Grandma didn't yell.  We knew it was definitely time to leave.

 This evening, I went skating with my best friend Kate and my daughter.  Last winter, our city opened a new outdoor skating rink in the uptown hub.  I skated there a couple times last winter, but it was a first for Kate.  Next to the rink was a giant evergreen trimmed in blue and pink(?) lights.  Upon seeing the rink, Kate exclaimed "It's just like New York, but without the crowds!!!"  Shortly after we started skating, some carollers dressed in Victorian-era garb began to sing.  It was splendid!  This was Aris' first time on skates this year, so she fell down a lot.  She had just gotten back from her grandparent's so she was a little off, but it wasn't bad. I didn't fall, so I count it as a complete success.   We all hope to go again and soon.

 After skating, I quickly put together some sticky buns for tomorrow's breakfast and then us big girls headed out to Marble Slab.   Surprisingly, no one was there.  This was our first time being the only costumers in the store.  We took great advantage of this, trying several flavours each.  Thankfully the clerk was very patient with us, especially when we were distracted being silly.  As I write this, I can just picture T trying to look innocent. :) We laughed, ate our ice cream, threatened to eat each other's ice cream and just generally hung out.  It was good.  I'm sore, tired and feeling vague holiday guilt, but all in all, I think I'm ready for three days worth of family togetherness.  At least we're not doing any more road trips until the 28th.

 I hope you all have a fabulous Christmas!  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Baking and Other Thoughts.

 My house smells like eggnog.  I'm not exactly sure why since it has not been spilt (that I know of).  Maybe it's because I've had about three cups of coffee with eggnog in them.  I'm trying to limit my eggnog intake, but it's oh so good!

 There are also many oh so good types of cookies floating around my house too.  I'm hoping to do some more Christmas baking just because I have so much fun baking.  I've made four batches of cookies so far this season.  Aris loves to help me bake and I've discovered that she really opens up while baking.  Sometimes she tells me about school, other times she just sings a song she's creating.  She has a new song entitled "My mom thinks I'm a sheep".  She did record a version of it, but it wasn't quite as detailed or amusing as her earlier version.  I think I'm going to bake more often just so I can enjoy her company.

 I've had a couple of rough weeks, both physically and otherwise.  I'm doing better emotionally this week, although yesterday was harder.  However, I seem to be having another flare-up.  When that happens, I don't type as much mostly to avoid aggravating my hands.  They seem to be the worst hit, probably because of the pre-existing tendonitis and carpal tunnel.  So I've taken time to be still.  My husband and I have spent many nights this week on the couch, catching up on Stargate Universe.  Yes, we're geeks and very happy about it.  This time of quiet has been very good for my marriage.  When in tears I called my husband yesterday, feeling too broken to have any value, he reminded me how much fun he's had with me this week.   I'm very blessed by this patient man who feels loved when we watch sci-fi together.

 Once again, this seems to be rather random.  I'm hoping my hands will stabilize enough so I can write more.  But I'm treasuring the good moments I'm having with my husband and for all the interests that we share.  Many of these have been a surprise blessing for the both of us. :)  I hope you all have a lovely week before Christmas. :)

Catching Up

Once again, exhaustion pulls at my bones.  I've been busy and bone-tired, so haven't written even as the words cascade inside of me, wanting to spill out.  I've started half a dozen posts in my head, only to have them whirl off into the recesses of my foggy brain before I get to the computer.  Life has not been silent, or even unkind to us lately.  I am only silent here, but not for lack of words, just lack of computer time.

 On Thursday, a dear friend of ours came for dinner.  He comes about three times a year, during exam season.  Darren is one that I can welcome in even when my house is the most chaotic.  He doesn't mind.  He cheerfully eats whatever I feed him and is amused by my children.  They entertain him.  Typically, he would open up his macbook while we put the children to bed, but Aris' bedtime is now later.  She grabbed his hand and with enthusiasm requested that he make cookies with her.  Darren hesitated, but when it was reframed as an opportunity to spend time with her, he quickly acquiesced.  It was amusing, watching and listening to them.  Being a mathy, Darren was soon instructing my daughter in sequences, functions and sphere packing.  She listened intently and asked good questions.  Once the cookies were baked and decorated, Aris went to bed and the grown-ups chatted.  Mostly Steve and Darren chatted while I laughed at their very interesting and geeky conversations.  I wasn't mocking them, they just have very strange discussions. That evening Darren sat in the computer chair so I couldn't blog.  It's his fault I didn't write on Thursday, really.

 I was going to catalogue my days, but really there has been too much.  Another dinner at my grandmother's, this time a full-out turkey dinner complete with stuffing and cranberry sauce.  She put together a lovely box of candy and crackers for my children as a Christmas present.  I'm blessed beyond measure to be rebuilding our relationship.

 My best friend came home for the weekend.  We went to Chapters briefly and then made more cookies, this time for a cookie exchange.  Aris was home this weekend, so we included her in our activities.  That was more stressful for me, but nice for Aris.  She loves Kate and cherishes the time she spends with her. On Saturday night we headed out to a youth service.  The music was amazing, so loud that we couldn't hear ourselves sing.  We worshipped with abandon.  This is the second of these services I've attended and each time my soul has been deeply ministered too.  Last night's worship and reflection both mended and repurposed me.  Attending with my best friend didn't hurt either.  We laughed deeply and often, while continuing our ongoing discussion on faith and life.  She challenges me while loving me.  Although leaving our church has been painful, I'm finding solace in attending church with my best friend and her family.  She headed back up north after this morning's service, but will be back for Christmas vacation in just a week.  I can't believe that Christmas is almost upon us!

 I've been reflecting on Christmas too.  Currently, I'm dissatisfied with how I celebrate Christmas.  We're in the long and slow process of modifying our traditions.  Yesterday, someone told me that they hate Christmas.  While I understand where he was coming from, I've been mulling over my response to that.  For me, God made flesh is so important.  Loving a distant, all-powerful God is hard.  Fear comes naturally, but love?  But this Emmanuel opens the door to a relationship with God, not just because of His eventual sacrifice, but because of His walk here on earth.  God put on flesh and dwelt among us, not as an overlord, but as a member of the working poor.  The God who created this universe is hard for me to trust or love.  But the Jesus who wept, who loved, who healed and who gave His life with abandon, Him I can love.  Thus a bridge is built, not only between sinful man and Holy God, but also between omnipotent God and fragile frail man.  This is more meaningful for me this Christmas than other years as I have been struggling with trusting and loving this God whose immensity I cannot grasp.

 There is more I could write.  My brain is full.  But my husband has an iPod to play with, so I will relinquish the computer to him and return to my book.  In time, I will endeavour to write more.