Saturday, July 24, 2010
Going on Vacation
It's been a rough week. Car's been in the shop twice, I've been sick, Kian's finger got infected and it's been insanely humid. But we've survived and now it's time for vacation! Tomorrow our family heads north for a week at family camp. I'm very excited to spend a week in, on and near the water. Water soothes my soul. I'm also looking forward to not cooking for a week. Hopefully, after this week away I will return healthy emotionally and physically. I'm looking forward to it! I won't be blogging next week, so I'll see you when I return. Have a good week! :)
Friday, July 23, 2010
Too Much Grace
I have not been well most of this week. This is on top of months of fatigue, migraines and chronic light-headedness. All of this has left me unable to be a good wife and mother. Most of this week my wonderful husband has done the cleaning and cooking. And he's not mad at me!
I don't get this. I don't understand his unconditional acceptance of my illness, of my inability to do much. I feel like he should be mad, annoyed, frustrated. I expect him to be. I don't trust love that forgives, that accepts, that shoulders the burdens that shouldn't have to be shouldered. I keep waiting for him to throw up his hands and walk away.
But he hasn't. He's stayed through so many rough times, through post-partum depression, through an unplanned and extremely challenging pregnancy, through the hell of this past year. We have both been broken, him because of me and still he stays. Still he loves me. I don't get it.
I am so blessed by his love, by his imperfect reflection of the Father. I don't deserve it, I feel bad about it, but oh am I ever grateful that my man loves me and won't give up.
I don't get this. I don't understand his unconditional acceptance of my illness, of my inability to do much. I feel like he should be mad, annoyed, frustrated. I expect him to be. I don't trust love that forgives, that accepts, that shoulders the burdens that shouldn't have to be shouldered. I keep waiting for him to throw up his hands and walk away.
But he hasn't. He's stayed through so many rough times, through post-partum depression, through an unplanned and extremely challenging pregnancy, through the hell of this past year. We have both been broken, him because of me and still he stays. Still he loves me. I don't get it.
I am so blessed by his love, by his imperfect reflection of the Father. I don't deserve it, I feel bad about it, but oh am I ever grateful that my man loves me and won't give up.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Adversity and the Strong Arm.
In my kitchen hangs a painting with the quote "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Faith is one of those hard things, something tenuous, or cotton-candy like, appearing substancial until taken hold of. Over the last 10 months, I've wrestled with my faith. Is God good? Am I crazy for continuing to follow this God- Man that I can't see, can't touch and am not sure has my best interests at heart? Some of my friends wonder at my continued reliance on this invisible force and how I shape my life around this belief especially in the hard times. But even in the storm, still I believe.
Today I woke sick. Everything hurt. We are going on vacation next week and I cannot be sick. I need to do all those momma things while packing and cleaning and preserving. But instead I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink. Came downstairs to find that my littlest has an infected finger, so off to the doctors we went. Car in the shop, so baby on back, momma on bus. Going there went well, but coming back, tired, sick, hurting, struggling not to fall asleep while sitting in the chair...that was torture. Construction changed the bus routes so I walked uphill to a farther spot. Walking hurt less than standing still so I kept walking. Got off where I needed to change buses and felt dead. Didn't know how I would make it home. Head pounding, tummy churning, cranky baby on back pulling at hair. I couldn't make it home on my own, and no one could come get me.
This is why I believe. Because in those moments of being pushed beyond what I can bear, I know that there is Someone Else who carries me. I prayed and when I felt my prayers were too weak, I called my mom. She prayed for me and kept me on the phone until my next bus came. And she kept praying. And I was given the strength to keep going, to get home, to get my baby's prescription, to give him his meds. After that I was blessed by my wonderful MIL volunteering to take the outside edges(oldest and youngest child) home with her, while my middle child played happily outside with his friend. I slept, the pain receded and I feel much more human now.
Without the pain and angst of life, I suspect I wouldn't need anything more to me. I wouldn't call out for help or need to bask in the love of the Eternal One. So today I am thankful both for adversity and for that Strong Arm that holds me always.
Today I woke sick. Everything hurt. We are going on vacation next week and I cannot be sick. I need to do all those momma things while packing and cleaning and preserving. But instead I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink. Came downstairs to find that my littlest has an infected finger, so off to the doctors we went. Car in the shop, so baby on back, momma on bus. Going there went well, but coming back, tired, sick, hurting, struggling not to fall asleep while sitting in the chair...that was torture. Construction changed the bus routes so I walked uphill to a farther spot. Walking hurt less than standing still so I kept walking. Got off where I needed to change buses and felt dead. Didn't know how I would make it home. Head pounding, tummy churning, cranky baby on back pulling at hair. I couldn't make it home on my own, and no one could come get me.
This is why I believe. Because in those moments of being pushed beyond what I can bear, I know that there is Someone Else who carries me. I prayed and when I felt my prayers were too weak, I called my mom. She prayed for me and kept me on the phone until my next bus came. And she kept praying. And I was given the strength to keep going, to get home, to get my baby's prescription, to give him his meds. After that I was blessed by my wonderful MIL volunteering to take the outside edges(oldest and youngest child) home with her, while my middle child played happily outside with his friend. I slept, the pain receded and I feel much more human now.
Without the pain and angst of life, I suspect I wouldn't need anything more to me. I wouldn't call out for help or need to bask in the love of the Eternal One. So today I am thankful both for adversity and for that Strong Arm that holds me always.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
It Takes A Community..
My house is small. Bigger than where I lived before, but still tiny. Squishing five people into a two-bedroom townhouse with one tiny bathroom. There are windows only on one side of the house and no cross breeze. Some days I hunger for a house.
But what my house lacks in size, it makes up for in location. We live at the end of the inner courtyard. Our unit has three pine trees in the yard and is right next to the forest. It is beautiful! Living where we do we get build friends. There is no space, no real privacy. Any privacy here is imagined. So rather than live averting our eyes, we've made friends, been real, opened ourselves up. It's a tough balance between friendship and boundaries but I think we're striking it. And somewhere in the midst of sharing toys, stories, baked goods, meals and tea; we begin to share help.
As a mom of small children, I firmly believe that we are meant to live in community. There are things that I cannot do all by myself, talents that I just don't have, patience that alludes me. But those very things I lack, someone else may have. Today my new neighbour took my daughter. Aris was having a hard day adjusting to being back with all those boys, so K came and gently invited her over for some girl time. She played, ate supper there, and had to be dragged back hours later. In the midst of my chaos, K offered something that I didn't have. I was touched and blessed.
Later K's oldest child was alternately running away and throwing herself down on the ground. Her husband was working, her infant in her arms. I borrowed the wee one until K had her two year old ready for bed.
There are more incidents just today that I could share of how we carry each others burdens. Life is not meant to be lived alone. We aren't meant to do everything all by ourselves. I am blessed to live in my tiny little rental house. Not only do I have a roof over my head, but I am part of something bigger, of this learning how to be the Body of Christ, how to bear one another's burdens in a practical, daily way. Ladies, you have blessed me deeply and are teaching me so much. Thank you!
But what my house lacks in size, it makes up for in location. We live at the end of the inner courtyard. Our unit has three pine trees in the yard and is right next to the forest. It is beautiful! Living where we do we get build friends. There is no space, no real privacy. Any privacy here is imagined. So rather than live averting our eyes, we've made friends, been real, opened ourselves up. It's a tough balance between friendship and boundaries but I think we're striking it. And somewhere in the midst of sharing toys, stories, baked goods, meals and tea; we begin to share help.
As a mom of small children, I firmly believe that we are meant to live in community. There are things that I cannot do all by myself, talents that I just don't have, patience that alludes me. But those very things I lack, someone else may have. Today my new neighbour took my daughter. Aris was having a hard day adjusting to being back with all those boys, so K came and gently invited her over for some girl time. She played, ate supper there, and had to be dragged back hours later. In the midst of my chaos, K offered something that I didn't have. I was touched and blessed.
Later K's oldest child was alternately running away and throwing herself down on the ground. Her husband was working, her infant in her arms. I borrowed the wee one until K had her two year old ready for bed.
There are more incidents just today that I could share of how we carry each others burdens. Life is not meant to be lived alone. We aren't meant to do everything all by ourselves. I am blessed to live in my tiny little rental house. Not only do I have a roof over my head, but I am part of something bigger, of this learning how to be the Body of Christ, how to bear one another's burdens in a practical, daily way. Ladies, you have blessed me deeply and are teaching me so much. Thank you!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Swimsuit Blessings
Today has been a day of unexpected blessings. After my counselling appointment, I drove Steve to work and ran some errands. Strangely enough there were three highly stressful driving events that occurred on the very short trip between his office and the small tourist town nearby. Normally even just one(the pickup truck over the centre line causing me to swerve onto the shoulder while driving rather fast) would leave me shaken and anxious. Nope. I was good. Through all of the other driving craziness I was fine. No anxiety. That was a gift!
Steve forgot his bus tickets today, so I picked him up from work after quickly putting my soaking wet boys into dry clothes and then cleaning up the mess caused by m&m's dropped into a puddle of water from a leaking water gun. Yup, it was that kinda day. Thankfully Steve didn't complain that it took me longer to get the boys ready than it did to drive there. *shakes head* From picking him up we headed to the big mall. Now that the local mall has been redone, I rarely visit the other one. But I really wanted to get a new swimsuit since mine is too big, worn and holey. I had been debating getting a new one for the last several weeks and then just decided to go for it. I love the cut of my suit, but it's expensive. In I went only to find that although the price of the suit had gone up, they were on sale for 35% off! Yay! Now that I have a beautiful new bathing suit, I'm all set for being a beach bum next week!
Steve forgot his bus tickets today, so I picked him up from work after quickly putting my soaking wet boys into dry clothes and then cleaning up the mess caused by m&m's dropped into a puddle of water from a leaking water gun. Yup, it was that kinda day. Thankfully Steve didn't complain that it took me longer to get the boys ready than it did to drive there. *shakes head* From picking him up we headed to the big mall. Now that the local mall has been redone, I rarely visit the other one. But I really wanted to get a new swimsuit since mine is too big, worn and holey. I had been debating getting a new one for the last several weeks and then just decided to go for it. I love the cut of my suit, but it's expensive. In I went only to find that although the price of the suit had gone up, they were on sale for 35% off! Yay! Now that I have a beautiful new bathing suit, I'm all set for being a beach bum next week!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Thankful List
Today has been another pain day for both my hand and my head. Boo! So here's my thankful list:
-Phone calls from my best friend that are supposed to be a quick parenting question and instead end up being a much longer chat.
-Friends that understand!
-Squirting a little boy with a water gun while talking to my best friend.
-Watching my little guy sleep.
-Grandmas that take grandsons for playdates.
-Husbands that make dinner, put boys to bed, load the dishwasher, wash the diapers and give the kitchen table a deep clean.
-Husbands with deep patience for sick wives.
-Husbands that bring home flowers.
-Black lilies.
-A beautifully cut crystal vase that I got a garage sale.
-Little boys that get out of bed for kisses and then put themselves back to bed! (This one seems more like a miracle and a milestone than just something to be thankful for.)
-Bedtime.
-Tea with friends.
-Eating homemade zucchini bread for breakfast.
For these blessings and many others I give thanks.
-Phone calls from my best friend that are supposed to be a quick parenting question and instead end up being a much longer chat.
-Friends that understand!
-Squirting a little boy with a water gun while talking to my best friend.
-Watching my little guy sleep.
-Grandmas that take grandsons for playdates.
-Husbands that make dinner, put boys to bed, load the dishwasher, wash the diapers and give the kitchen table a deep clean.
-Husbands with deep patience for sick wives.
-Husbands that bring home flowers.
-Black lilies.
-A beautifully cut crystal vase that I got a garage sale.
-Little boys that get out of bed for kisses and then put themselves back to bed! (This one seems more like a miracle and a milestone than just something to be thankful for.)
-Bedtime.
-Tea with friends.
-Eating homemade zucchini bread for breakfast.
For these blessings and many others I give thanks.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Angry
I've been angry a lot recently. Angry at life, at injustice, at my failure to keep my floors clean and the ants that take advantage of that. On the flip side, although ants make me angry, killing ants relieves a lot of my frustration. They're just so nice to squish! I'm angry at my body that has so many different aches/pains/weaknesses sometimes rendering me unable to do tasks well, other times just rendering me unwilling. I'm angry at my laziness, my own frustration and anger. I'm angry with God. To be honest, I'm just plain angry.
I try to stop being angry. I try to understand what's going on inside my head. It's not helping. I try to pray, to praise God for the blessings, to ask Him for help. That doesn't seem to work either. I vent at my poor unsuspecting spouse. That really doesn't work! This deep anger doesn't want to go away. I feel helpless in its path.
And then something happens. Whether it's the opening chords of a song I love, sitting outside on a camp chair while my baby sleeps on my lap, or picking raspberries from my parents' patch, that hard knot inside dissolves. Sometimes suddenly, sometimes gradually, the anger dissipates and I relax. Once again joy, peace and patience return and my shoulders stop keeping company with my ears. My chest opens up, I breathe deeply again. There's a smile on my face. It's okay.
I can't stop those angry moments. I'm sure they'll be great fodder for my counselling appointment. But I am so grateful for those other moments that remove my negative emotions. I'm thankful for the reminders that encourage me like three gleaming jars of raspberry jam on the counter and a beautiful new ceiling fan in my kitchen. During those bad moments, I will cling to the good and keep breathing. Hopefully I will also keep my mouth shut and not yell at that wonderful man who installed the fan. (Steve seriously rocks!) Pray for us!
I try to stop being angry. I try to understand what's going on inside my head. It's not helping. I try to pray, to praise God for the blessings, to ask Him for help. That doesn't seem to work either. I vent at my poor unsuspecting spouse. That really doesn't work! This deep anger doesn't want to go away. I feel helpless in its path.
And then something happens. Whether it's the opening chords of a song I love, sitting outside on a camp chair while my baby sleeps on my lap, or picking raspberries from my parents' patch, that hard knot inside dissolves. Sometimes suddenly, sometimes gradually, the anger dissipates and I relax. Once again joy, peace and patience return and my shoulders stop keeping company with my ears. My chest opens up, I breathe deeply again. There's a smile on my face. It's okay.
I can't stop those angry moments. I'm sure they'll be great fodder for my counselling appointment. But I am so grateful for those other moments that remove my negative emotions. I'm thankful for the reminders that encourage me like three gleaming jars of raspberry jam on the counter and a beautiful new ceiling fan in my kitchen. During those bad moments, I will cling to the good and keep breathing. Hopefully I will also keep my mouth shut and not yell at that wonderful man who installed the fan. (Steve seriously rocks!) Pray for us!
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