Popcorn

 the golden kernels spin

round and round

faster and faster

until finally they explode. 

first one, 

then a sea of white

floods up, out, and into my bowl.

some, overwhelmed by the sheer delight of flight,

leap out of the bowl 

and onto the floor. 

but what about the rest? 

why do some kernels pop and not others? 

are they too afraid of change? 

bound by fear to spin endlessly

getting hotter and hotter

'til one day

the chance of flight is gone? 

or are they just unable? 

did something happen long ago,

rendering them unable to metamorphosize?

i do not have answers

so instead i mourn for them

even as i empty them into the compost

and eat their transformed friends.

Understanding

 It's been a crazy crazy day.  But we have survived.  And my friend's daughter,  who was hit by a cyclist on the sidewalk, is home from the hospital and snug in her bed. I hope.

 Anyhoo, I was given a wonderful gift this morning.  If you count the super-amazing, unexpected good behaviour of my son, two gifts.  He was in a mood this morning, but surprisingly settled down and did not bite, hit, kick or yell at the other small child he was playing beside.  This was a huge blessing.  (yes, kian is violent.  We'll blame that on......Steve.  Yes, that's right because Kian's mother isn't violent at all *snort*).  The other gift I was given was understanding.

 This past year has been rough. Most people that are sympathetic and compassionate really don't understand.  For the most part I'm glad they don't understand because that means they haven't been through something like this.  But still, it's hard.  Today I had tea and fantastic banana bread with someone who did understand.  Her life blew apart just over two years ago.  Since then she's experienced some of the same things I have: being kicked out of leadership, being ostracized, possibly being maliciously gossiped about, losing friends and losing a sense of safety.  There are places that we both don't go to anymore just because it's not safe.  We've had to give things up, not because of what we've done wrong, but because of the choices of others.  It is a hard place to be.

 But in this place, God has done something amazing in our lives.  I've seen my friend grow deeply these past two years.  Her courage amazes me.  Her strength and faith are a testament to the Holy Spirit at work in her life.  I don't really see it, but my husband sees similar things in my life.  I just see where the sin has been exposed, where I've had to repent, confess and find new, healthier ways of living life.  I think my friend can say the same.

 To be honest, as brutal as this year has been, I'm so thankful that it happened.  I don't want to be who I was last year.  Granted, it's a lot better than who I was 9 years ago, but still...I'm a work-in-progress.  The last thing I want is to stagnate or worse yet, disintegrate.  It was such a blessing to sit with someone who understood.  Our situations are different, but we were able to relate on so many different levels.  I came away encouraged, strengthened and blessed.  Thank you!

I'm grumpy

 Honestly, I'm in a really bad mood right now.  It isn't so much the events of the day itself, so much as it is big decisions and too much emotion.  BLAHHH!

 Today was challenging.  I freaked my mom out when she was over by almost collapsing on the floor.  Thankfully she had brought over a stockpile of prepared meals, so now I have something to cook when I really can't.  Most tasks, including walking up the stairs, are too much right now.  This is unfortunate because our only bathroom is at the top of a steep flight of stairs.  A trip to relieve myself, fetch clean diapers, or carry a stinky, squirming, screaming toddler up the stairs leaves me breathless, light-headed and unable to talk.  It's pretty sucky.

 But in this, God is good.  My mom has provided meals.  She's also prayed with me and for me.  My mother-in-love also prays and babysits often.  Steve has taken up more chores without complaining and comes home early when needed.  My dear neighbour has offered to walk my children to and from school.  Because I was so weak today, I caved in and drove to the school instead of walking.  This had the bonus effect of blessing my neighbour as I drove her too.  I'm praying a lot more and trying not to be hard on myself when I'm not getting things done.  And...I did get the laundry(well, the top basket) folded and put away.  I also emptied the dishwasher all by myself!  As you can tell, I'm trying to rejoice in the little I can accomplish. :)

 Now I'm starting to feel better.  The ache in my chest has passed and although I may cry a bit more, life feels slightly brighter.  Oops, I just remembered lunches aren't made. *sigh* I was going to tell you about my guitar practice session and how I found a song with chords that I know, but instead I must go make lunches.  Healthy, nutritious lunches will be the end of me yet!  See you tomorrow! :)

Shameless Plug

On Saturday, October 2nd, my two oldest monkeys will be participating in the Ride for Refuge formerly known as the Ride for Refugee. I believe this is the 7th ride and my family's fifth year participating. The money raised by my family will go to supporting a local refugee housing community and towards building a school in Sudan.

This is the second year that my children have ridden. Last year they chose to ride after becoming friends with a refugee family at their school. This family had fled persecution in Africa because of their faith. The mother had been jailed, and the father remains there in prison. His crime? Pastoring a church not approved by the government. They have four beautiful children ranging in age from 10 to 4 years old. The second youngest struggles with anxiety resulting from their struggles. We are so thankful that they made it safely here and have been granted refugee status.

This year, my children wanted to ride again. In April, they started telling us how much they want to ride. So, here they are, preparing for another ride day. Steve and I will be chasing them with Kian on somebody's back. :) If you would like to support them financially, click here to support Aris and here to support Zane. Please keep us in prayer on Saturday that we would participate well, being kind towards each other and not impatient even when exhaustion sets in. Click here to see this year's awesome ride video. It details the history and the importance of the ride. Together, we can change the world.

Police Checks and Amazing Pizza

 I'm writing this post for my mother.  When she called today, she asked why I hadn't written yesterday.  So rather than get called on the carpet two days in a row, I'm writing a quick little post.  I just finished a massive post for tomorrow's Radical Read-along with Marla which is why this one will be so little.

 I've had a very challenging day energy-wise, but I made bread, had tea with the wonderful J, and paired up one pair of socks.  Yes, the laundry did not get put away today.  Oh well, there's always tomorrow.  Steve had to leave work early to pick up Zane. After school, he headed to get the police checks, but I needed mine as well, so he picked me up.  Unfortunately, we left them too late, but since we were in that area of town, we decided to take the boys on a date and went to an amazing pizza place.  It was so good I ate three slices.  Steve was slightly shocked.  Zane wimped out and only ate cheese pizza, but he ate most of it.  Kian tried our much more interesting selection, but I don't know how much of it he ate.  He was having a lot of fun though.  Between my visit uptown, and a stampin' up party this evening, I now have Christmas presents purchased for two family members.  It isn't even October.  Now to remember that I bought them...

 Mom, I hope you enjoyed this.  Good night, everyone! :)

Grumpies and Being Thankful

 The grumpies came to our house today.  Life has been tough, and kids have been grumpy and Mommy just doesn't get breaks.  I was doing really well last night but somehow the switch got flipped while I was sleeping.  My nice peaceful shower time was invaded by little children who needed "shower baths."  While they are very cute, I missed the peace and emotional cleanliness that a shower taken alone can bring.  I ran errands to the chorus of screaming albeit with polite words, but still.  Clearly I am managing to instill some common courtesy in my children when they scream " May I get down now?!?"  There were bright spots, but really it was just putting one foot in front of the other.

 Now after an hour or so, laughing with my besties at Tim Horton's, I feel better.  My perspective has returned.  Zane helped make lasagna tonight, his favourite.  He declared it " the best I've ever eaten!" This is his current favourite phrase after listening to a friend's video at church.  Aris made tarts for dessert.  Originally she wanted to fill them with jam, but instead we mixed chopped apples, walnuts and honey.  They were delicious.  My in-laws were invited last minute to dinner and brought over three large basil plants they grew for us.  After dinner, we picked leaves off basil and peeled garlic.  Now four jars of pesto sit on my table.

 It has been a good day.  I'm thankful for a patient family who puts up with me when I'm grumpy.  I"m thankful for a God who redeems.  I'm thankful for creative children who like to cook what they eat.  I'm thankful for spontaneous family and friends.  I'm thankful for very good friends that I can share just about anything with.  Girls, I love you so much!  And I'm also thankful that there are more things to be thankful for than I have words and room to write.  It is good.

Crying in my Closet

After reading a series of posts on honesty, not whitewashing and the disease of perfectionism, I am writing this in the interest of being real. This is just in case you somehow thought I was perfect or had the perfect life. I'm not sure how that could come across in my writing, but just in case it did, here's this:

Late into the night, my body shook. There were no tears, just aching, wracking sobs. My body twitched with pent-up tension and my heart ached. It was hard last night. I don't know why exactly. Just one of those moments when the pain builds to a crescendo and has to be released, I guess. I hate those moments.

It's been a tough year following three years that left us tired and hurting. Sometimes I wonder when and if daylight will ever come. The stress and pain has taken its toll on all of us, especially Steve. He hates to see me hurt. Some days the pain is at a distance, while on others my heart threatens to break in two. Last night, I hurt until I went to sleep and woke up still raw and wounded. Stuffy nose, sore head, sore heart, empty coffee pot. Not a good start for a school day.

The screen called me to log on and read, to waste my time and soothe my heart. But my journal lay open on the table, reminding me of a God who cares. So I wrote. Poured out my pain. Read His Word and then prayed some more. Strangely I wrote words longing for reconciliation, restoration and repentance, not for my sake but for theirs. Words speaking of God's desire that all will come to repentance, of His slowness to wrath not because He doesn't care, but because He cares too much soothed a heart that chafed at how slow this process has been and will be. So I prayed and got up, still with a sore heart, but a calmer heart. Chores were done, soup was made, the day went on.

But the pain is with me always, just under the surface. The kids were grumpy and Daddy went out with a friend. Whiny, bickering, disobedient children that complained about everything and would not stop crept under my skin and up my spine like nails on a chalkboard. Up the stairs I went, into my closet. It houses too many boxes and suitcases for me to fully fit in, but I scrunched in with my knees poking out. My phone still sits on the closet floor where I left it after calling my parents to pray. Then I sat and cried until calmness came and I could go be a good mommy again.

 Back down the stairs I went, this time to be met with apologies.  My toddler leaned over to his brother speaking in a gravelly voice " I am the bad guy machine!"  We laughed at this silly boy with his silly voices.  I made up poetry in my head while watching the popcorn pop.  My parents came by with hugs, wings, ribs and fries.  They wanted to make sure they brought all my favourites.  Eventually, peace came again both to my heart and my home.  Now my wee ones are in bed, hopefully all sleeping.  For them at least, today is done. And for me, well...God was here today.  Hopefully tomorrow won't hurt as much, won't be as hard, but if it is, God will still be here.  I'll make it through, even if I have to cry in my closet again.  And one day, it will all be okay.