Brokenness

 Emily speaks about the brokenness surrounded by beauty, and I feel it.  Her heavy heart and tearstained face come through the screen as if I was sitting next to her, watching her tears fall.  And this brokenness, this pain of life, it's here too.  I see it in my friend who keeps turning to new relationships, looking for peace and joy and instead finding new heartache.  It's in my family, in disappointments, horrible work situations, mental health issues and failing health.  Brokenness haunts us all, in so many different ways.  So we hate the pain, despise it, keep looking for the next best thing, for the thing that will fix us.  When it doesn't get fixed, when the pain continues, we get angry.  Disillusioned.  Hopeless.  Broken.  Or in my case, even more broken.

 I am memorizing Colossians piece by piece this year.  I'm behind by a week or two because I'm stuck on a verse. (My week of being mad at God may also have played a part in why I'm behind)  In Colossians 1v24, Paul says: Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of His body, which is the Church.

 This verse causes me to stumble.  Paul rejoices in his suffering? He keeps looking for more suffering for the sake of the Church?  Was he nuts?  I mediate, walk away and come back, all the while with these themes of beauty and suffering running through my head.  As I mix together the ingredients for dinner, sweep flour off the floor and calm the screaming child, my heart continues to churn.  Why suffering? Why should we feel pain so deeply?

 Last Thursday, I had a meltdown.  In tears, I screamed at my husband that I wished I could remove my emotions, cut them out.  I wanted drugs that would shut down my feelings, numb me, so I could be an automaton performing my task perfectly without any extra emotion.  I feel too broken to be worth something, as if my pain hinders me from being valuable.  I cry over and over again that I didn't ask to be broken.

 Much later I realized that it is because of my brokenness that I seek God.  When things get hard, I cry out.  Sometimes, I shut down, shut God out and walk away.  But more often, it is in these hard times that I grow closer to God, that I am refined.  Without such deep pain in my life, I might not seek God.  This answer seems too simple for such deep questions and hurt.  I know that there are many reasons for pain, sin being chief among them.   But I am comforted for the moment with the knowledge that pain sparks change, primarily in my relationship with God.

Celebrating the broken redeemed

A Gift for Beauty

I can't make things look pretty.  No matter how hard I try, or what I envision in my head, I can't make things beautiful. I can make things taste good, but it won't look pretty.  Thanks to a very determined friend, I apply makeup with reasonable proficiency and I can pick out a nice outfit.  But even those skills did not come naturally. I just can't make things look good.

 Then there is my husband. That man is gifted! No matter what it is, he can make it look good.  He's sprinkled sugar and arranged strawberries on cake, decorates the Christmas tree and has hung all of the decorations in our house.  He has an eye for beauty.  Out of that comes a gift for photography.  His pictures are stunning.

 Steve's been working with the kids on their science fair projects.  He and Aris decided to take photographs of her experiments.  I did not know that science projects could look that good!  If I had done it, it wouldn't be nearly so pretty that's for sure!  Zane's project pictures are also works of art.  After seeing the pictures of both projects, I have been ruminating on how talented my husband is.  Wow!  I'm very blessed.

Multitude Mondays 38-52

 I'm tired and starting a headache, so this will be short.  But I've had a delightful day and I'm full of joy and thankfulness.

38. Daffodils on my kitchen table.
39. Golden light slanting across the blue-white snow.
40. A husband who lets me sleep in almost every morning.
41. A visit with a friend
42. including three cups of delicious Bengal Spice tea
43. and fantastic chocolate chip banana bread.
44. Being part of the body of Christ.
45.  Sweet Potato Chili for dinner
46. New geek t-shirts including a "Soft Kitty" one!
47. Being geeky with my husband.
48. A surprise visit from a dear friend.
49. Peanut butter chip cookies.
50. Getting my baby to eat his dinner and drink his milk.
51. My husband thinking I have super powers!
52. Aris and Steve working happily together on Aris' science fair project.
53. A happier heart.

Thoughts on Sabbath

  My husband and I both grew up in more conservative Christian homes. Although we grew up in different traditions(he's from a Brethren background while I grew up in a conservative charismatic church), much of our growing up experience was the same.  We(or our parents) took part in the March for Jesus, we worked at Christian camps, sang the same kids songs, memorized the same Bible verses, read the same version(KJB anyone?), and fought the same battles to listen to that newfangled "Christian" music that our parents thought might lead us astray(Petra for him, Point of Grace and Third Day for me).  We also honoured the Sabbath similarly.

 As the church culture has migrated away from legalism, our practice of the Sabbath has drastically changed.  As we've become parents, having a day of rest has both become more important and yet less practical.  We do our best to cling to the tradition of Sunday afternoon naps, but that's mostly because we're so tired.  Over coffee this morning, Steve and I started talking about the practice of Sabbath.  I've been re-evaluating my routines(or lack of) and trying to build better practices.  Yesterday we made a good start as we worked together as a family.  Being industrious felt good! Today we were tempted to keep on organizing, but instead began to discuss how to rest as a family.  The discussion was interrupted by screaming children and we really didn't pick it up again before leaving for church.

 Guess what the topic of today's sermon was? Sabbath! During the first half of the sermon, the minister spoke on the need for Sabbath rest.  After the offering and a period of reflection, the pastor(different person) began to speak on Sabbath renewal.  Although I missed the ending of her talk, it was the second half that really caught my attention.  I'm quite familiar with the concept of resting for Sabbath.  But  the concept of renewal was something new.  She painted the Sabbath as an opportunity to taste beauty and thus whet the hunger for the Holy.  This intrigued both Steve and I.  We discussed this on the way home and came up with some very practical ideas as to how to implement this.  Attending church in a picturesque small town will certainly help.

 Celebrating the Sabbath will probably not look the way it did in our homes growing up.  I imagine that it will be an organic process, moving in different directions according the needs of our family.  We didn't exactly rest today as Steve did some work for my parents.  But we fellowshipped, breaking garlic bread with my parents, sharing our lives together.  We didn't impose a media fast on our children, but we did have an adult naptime.  I actually slept!!! Between the nap, new routines and the glorious sunshine, I have ended this Sabbath feeling refreshed, rested and renewed.  Monday, here I come!

Lovenest

 I feel like I need to apologize for not posting recently.  I've either been in funk or really busy.  Owing to my recent busyness, my house is much cleaner than normal.  There's still a lot of clutter to be dealt with, but I've been slowly getting the walls and surfaces cleaner.  At least part of that has been child labour.  Today one child grated a bar of soap to make laundry detergent, while another scrubbed a door.  The youngest was supposed to be wiping down a wall, but he had issues so his daddy helped.  The walls and doors that we've managed to clean glow!  It's a lovely feeling. :)

 Part of my motivation in working so hard today was an upcoming date night.  Friends of ours are opening a restaurant downtown and invited us to the grand opening.  She is a refugee from Eritrea.  We met her through our school.  I've been reading a lot about Ethiopia and Eritrea recently.  During my reading, I've learnt a lot more about their food.  Since I'm a foodie, I was quite excited to get to try their cuisine, especially the coffee!  Ethiopian coffee is made very specially and is rumoured to be quite good.  I'm happy to report that it is amazing!

 Tonight was not my first time trying Ethiopian food.  Several years ago, I tried it at the Multicultural Festival.  I hated it.  Seriously, couldn't finish it, had to dump my plate.  I felt horrible.  Two years ago, I had it again at F&ST.  This time, I liked it.  Since then, I've had the odd Ethiopian/Eritrean dish and I've enjoyed it.  Then I began to do a lot of reading on the culture.  Shortly after my reading blitz, I spent the evening my friends from Ethiopia, Eritrea and Somalia.  This time I actually had good questions to ask as I finally knew something about their culture.  After I expressed interest in their coffee, my friend told me about the restaurant she is opening.  We received an invitation and off we went.

 We weren't the only white people in the restaurant, but we seemed to be the most out of place.  I'm very glad I had the foresight to dress up.  All of the staff were in traditional dress and the other patrons were dressed up either in Western or traditional garb.  I like African clothing. :) One woman even had a headwrap on.  I like headwraps. :)  This was my first time going to an ethnic restaurant after learning a lot about the culture I was visiting.  We surprised some of the staff by knowing the names of various things, like injera.  As we were leaving, our friend introduced us to the manager and said that we know a lot about Ethiopia and Eritrea.  Normally, I'm very open to new cultural experiences, but not very knowledgable.  It was a neat experience to be more the culturally aware of the two of us.

 I have more to write, but we're going to finish our date by watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  Since I'd like to get to bed at a reasonable hour, we'd better start. Hopefully I will write again soon.

Toronto Adventure

 About a month ago, I saw an early bird sale on tickets for Canada Blooms.  As I've been before with my mom and enjoyed it, this event registered as something I actually wanted to go to.  But as time went by, it didn't seem like it would work.  Oh well...there's always next year, I thought.

 Then on Thursday, Steve called from work.  "Love, my boss just offered me three tickets to Canada Blooms.  Are you interested?"  Was I interested? Um...YESSS!!!! Excited, I tried to get someone to go with me, but I either didn't hear back or people were out of town.  Eventually we decided that Steve would drive down with me, drop me off and then take the boys to the Science Centre as we have a membership there.  I wasn't enthusiastic about going on my own, but figured the alone time would be good.

 While shopping with my best friend on Friday night, she asked if anyone was going with me.  When she heard our new plan, she volunteered to come with.  I had asked Kate, but she had staunchly replied negatively.  That was fine as I wasn't forcing anyone to come with.  However, I was very excited when she agreed to come.

 We left around mid-morning, reaching Toronto just before noon.  Steve dropped us off, and we trying to be smart, left our jackets in the van.  Although it was chilly, it wasn't like we were going to be outside.  Little did we know what our day would hold.  We entered the venue, looking for signs for Canada Blooms. There were signs for the Sportsman Show and signs for Anime North, but none for our event.  Loitering near the Guest Services desk, we heard someone else be told that Canada Blooms was at an entirely different location.  Tentatively, we approached the desk and asked for help.  The man behind the counter was extremely helpful.  He pulled off a map and gave extremely good directions.  Then we were off.

 At this point, I was extremely thankful that Kate was there.  Had I been on my own, I would have panicked.  Although I'm a confident user of the bus system here, I've only used the Toronto transit system once, and that was with others.  Together, we figured it out, although it was much more her than me.  Once we  figured out where we were, the journey became much more fun.  On one side of the streetcar was the Lake Huron, downtown Toronto on the other.  We had a great view.  There was also great people watching to be had as both Anime North and a Comic Con were happening that day.  A woman dressed up as a demon complete with red skin, horns and wings boarded the streetcar with us.  On our way to the station, we passed several girls dressed in the typical anime dresses.  It was very fun.

 It turned out that the comic con was being held at the same venue as Canada Blooms.  The people watching was great there!  I did however have a moment(several really) of geek envy.  Hopefully I will remember so Steve and I can go there next year.

 Compared to our adventure and the cosplayer sightings, Canada Blooms wasn't very exciting.  But I did enjoy myself.  Greenery and flowers always helps make me feel better.  It was a long day, but a happy one.  After our return home,  Steve and I capped it off with a couch date complete with wings and the sixth Harry Potter.  All in all, yesterday was a good day. :)

Food, Food, Cleaning and....food!

 For some reason, today revolved around food in my mind.  I'm not exactly sure why, it just did.  For starters, I was bidding on some Toffee Bacon Shortbread.  No, I didn't win.  But now I'm going to hunt down the recipe.  While surfing through the site, I also found a recipe for bacon jam.   Oh, I need to try this! I'm just a wee bit of a bacon fiend. :)

 We get a local/non-local organic food box.  Last box came with a lemon and I stumbled upon a recipe for lemon squares calling for a whole lemon.  My best friend is in town and loves lemon, so I made that for her this afternoon.  They are seriously good!

 Yes, I did more than think about food today.  In keeping with my Lenten goals, I not only cleaned, I made my children clean.  They were slightly bitter about this(and my blood pressure went up several notches), but after my speech on learning responsibility as children so they could succeed as adults, they stopped complaining.  I'd like to think that they were motivated when really they just wanted to switch me out of lecture mode.  However, I think my house is slightly cleaner...We did vacuum and mop but I'm really not sure you can tell.

 Tomorrow I hope to make guacamole soup and maybe some borscht.  I haven't decided yet.  But I think my leftovers stash is running a bit low, as Steve takes leftovers to work with him.  I much prefer this to his earlier habit of eating canned stew. *shudder*

 I'm exhausted, so good-night all!