It has been just over three weeks since I broke my arm. Technically, it's probably closer to three and a half, but then who's counting? :) Thankfully my arm is healing well and I'm getting more strength back every day. On Saturday, I made up for three weeks of not driving by traipsing around the countryside. I still haven't started cooking again though.
Not cooking(or baking) has probably been the hardest part of this whole ordeal. Although having an extended and forced break (no pun intended) wasn't a bad thing, what I make is how I measure my success. I've struggled with chronic fatigue syndrome for almost a year now, and fought with depression for even longer. When either of these conditions flare up, I stop. CFS saps my energy, leaving me unable to do most things. Depression attacks my ability to concentrate and be motivated. As a result, I measure both my emotional health and my daily victories by what I do, especially cooking and baking.
I really love food. Several of my friends have commented how much they enjoy listening to me talk about food. Apparently my eyes light up and my face goes soft and dreamy when I begin talking about food. I enjoy cooking, especially soups, but baking is my happy place. Probably because I also really enjoy eating and sharing my baked goods with friends, family, neighbours. But for the past three weeks, I haven't been able to cook. It has been a very hard and frustrating place to be, especially as I have a jar of mincemeat on my counter that I was going to make into squares.
It has been very easy to feel like a burden, especially to my wonderful husband. I've struggled with not being able to be productive. Steve and I have had many conversations about where my value comes from over this time of rest. I like to think that I'm slowly shedding the detrimental beliefs on where my worth comes from. But I'm really glad that my time of rest is almost over and that I can start being deliciously productive again.
You've alluded to something having 'zapped' you, but I could never find the reason. I'm glad you finally stated it. CFS is a tough one, because folks don't understand it. Cancer they understand--the same with high blood pressure, heart problems, MS, etc., but the immune diseases--most are rather clueless.
ReplyDeleteHow do I know this? I have fibromyalgia which has chronic fatigue, depression, intestinal problems, fibro fog (affects your cognitive abiity), etc.
Measuring what you do accomplish is a good way to help you with your self-worth issues. I've done that also.
Sounds like you have a very supportive husband. So do I.
I will write you more later. Glad the arm is healing.
Meanwhile, what about talking into a tape recorder about your favorite foods and how you came to fix them, the recipes, etc? You might be able to turn that into something some day; if not it will be great for your kids to have. :)
Or do a "What I'd like you to know/remember" tape for your kids to listen to someday.
Just some ideas to help keep you feeling productive.
I got your comment on my blog and it totally made my day! Thanks so much for your encouragement - I mean that . . . it seriously uplifted me for sure! I struggle with depression too, and it's been one of the hardest things about this whole nausea-constant-throwing-up thing is that I cant keep my anti-depressants down, which means I end up even MORE emotional and upset than I already am just because of the nausea and pregnancy and house stuff! Anyways, just want you to know I understand and will be praying for you - hope that arm heals quickly!
ReplyDeleteI remember when I broke my arm when my daughter was 1 yr old. Having to depend on other people really was tough for my pride. I hear where you're coming from about your worth. But it was a good lesson for me too to have to grapple with my worth NOT coming from what I do, but in whose I am. Tough lessons. I'm still learning. Praying for your healing, inside and out...
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you broke your arm! I hope God speeds the healing well.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you, too, that I suffered from CFs for several years, back in 1995. I was first diagnosed when I lived in NYC -- this was before I was married. I was forced to quit my job and move back in with my parents. I was out of work for a year, then finally had the stamina to go back to work part-time. I want you to know, though, that I made a full recovery. It took time -- was a vary slow process, but I did recover.
Please email if you want to talk more -- I'd be happy to give you more details.