Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Kaleidoscope

 When I was little, I remember playing with a kaleidoscope.  It was someone's special treasure, perhaps my mother's, hidden away most of the time in that most precious of places, her big white jewelry box.  I remember my joy at being allowed to explore the treasures hidden there on those very rare occasions she opened it.  I cannot be sure but I think among the enamelled pins, jewelled butterflies and necklaces made of precious stones was a kaleidoscope.  My memory may be fooling me, but I seem to remember it lying there among her treasures.  This simple tube wasn't overshadowed by the many pretty items tucked away, for although it appeared plain, inside it was filled with imagination and beauty.  Each twist or shake of the kaleidoscope created beautiful new patterns of the shiny colourful beads hidden within.

 I loved the kaleidoscope.  Although my playtime with it was always limited, I could have spent hours admiring the patterns and creating new ones.  The design that caught my attention would be soon replaced with one that appeared even more beautiful than the previous.  I don't remember ever wishing for the previous display after its fragile beauty had been irrevocably altered.  Each pattern was precious, beautiful, eye-catching.

 Like those beads in the kaleidoscope, last year the relationships in my life were irreparably altered.  I mourned the losses, and tried without success to reshape those patterns. I wanted life to be like it always had been.  But there was no going back.  Different emotions came: anger, sadness, despair, peace, hope and acceptance.  There was no pattern to be seen, just an overwhelming sense of loss, filtered by whatever emotion was dominant at the time.  And then, out of the pain, a design began to emerge.  It was different, with fewer overall friendships, but two deeper, more honest relationships, ones that pointed me to God and loved me just as I am, beginning to stand out boldly within the design.  And then the many smaller relationships, the casual friendships of church community and mom's group replaced by a different, more sprawling link of the online community.  Although I tremble some days wondering when the kaleidoscope will shake again, I can finally see the beauty in this new design.  And even though it hurt to be caught in the change, I have to say that this design is much more beautiful and life-giving than the last.  I will not look wistfully at the old patterns any longer, wishing for what is no longer  and ignoring the beauty in front of me.  Perhaps the grief over broken relationships will still come, but now I can finally see the beauty of here and now.  For that and for this new beauty, I am thankful.

 Joining(again!) with Em for Imperfect Prose:


9 comments:

  1. smiles. a delightful story...in that in the end you are able to see again...working on that myself...

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  2. oh, friend, yes. that's almost all i can say. my journey has been different than your, yet so many similarities. change is sooooo hard for me, and i've been lonely for a long time, and estranged from my mom, and all our awful family dynamics kind of blew up this year. so yes, change that turns lovely when we least expet it, i know.
    glad you linked up twice today!

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  3. I can relate to this - the loss of friendships, the change that results, the differences of the now from the then - but how it can be good, even better - the new in place of the old.

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  4. Grace, I remember those kaleidoscopes. I never had one but now and then I would get to see one in my childhood and was totally fascinated. This year I saw one in a mail order catalogue called "Bits and Pieces" and ordered it. I was a bit disappointed as it is not much larger than a very large pen and I remembered tubes about the size of Pringle's chips cans. But it has the light and sparkle that changes with rotation. Beautiful article you wrote on it.
    Mary Horst

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  5. this is good. i can relate, and i need your gentle words to remind me.

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  6. Wow!and thank you. There's a-lota-grace here.

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  7. The comparison to a kaleidoscope is so fitting. My life was shaken up last year and I haven’t always liked the new design I’m seeing… But I know overall it is good and I will be whole in this design as much as I was in the last. Thanks for sharing your broken pieces with us.

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  8. beautiful words, thank you for this reminder. i need it, it is healing.

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  9. I think we had one of those kaleidoscopes too. It's a good metaphor.Thank you for writing.

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