Thursday, August 26, 2010

Regret

  Amid the cluttered kitchen I stand, my hands washing dishes, my mind picking over decisions made.  This one was good, another unknown, and these, well, they lie heavy on my heart like a pile of rocks, and I weep over them.  I mourn the innocent blindness of youth and first love and all the sorrow that followed.  How I wish my eyes would have been opened, my ears would have heard, that I would have been wise then.  Sorrow floods me as I mourn those choices.

 But the path of regret is treacherous, filled with potholes, a ravine on one side, a steep cliff threatening avalanche the other.  For to mourn my decisions is to reject the blessings that they brought.  The same bad decisions brought me my darling first born, my dancer, my artist, that whirlwind of ideas and energy?  How can I wish to never have dated her father when through her birth I first grasped grace?   When it was because of her that I first exchanged words with the man I later exchanged vows with?  He first fell in love with the sweet baby, not the young mama with the spiky purple hair.  That sweet girl loved him back, turned to his voice while "walking" on unsteady baby legs, so that the broken spiky girl learned to trust, to love and to be loved.  Love came, two more babies came, and healing comes in deluges and sprinkles, but always continuing. So then how can I have regrets?

 I weep over the pain, the brokenness that I have caused.  I weep over the consequences of my sin, for the little girl who has to bear them.  But I rejoice in God's goodness, in how He has made all things new, taken my shame and turned it into a beautiful love story.  I cannot separate out my life, say this is good and this is bad.  I made bad choices, I was so deeply wounded, but oh the beauty that has come from such a sad beginning!
 Join with me at Emily's today:


9 comments:

  1. smiles. beauty among the ashes...all things work together, even our regrets can become blessings....thanks for being real...

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh this post resonates with me, deeply. i have a string of decisions i try not to despair over, but so many have given me blessings (like you, my first born as well), and others still leave me raw or questioning. thank you for linking up with emily today.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mourning over choices that lie heavy on our hearts--Oh, sweet sister! I've been there. Thank you for your sweet words pointing towards grace, the beauty for ashes. Stopped by from emily's. So glad I did. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "For to mourn my decisions is to reject the blessings that they brought" This resonates with me as I have thought similarly many times.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your daughter will bear burdens of her own, but she does not bear any imprint for your sins.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Along with Nancy, I am thinking," Beauty for ashes." He gives beauty and grace. And remembers our sins no more.

    ReplyDelete
  7. this grips me. and yes, this is grace--the beauty from ashes, as brian voices. you are beauty, friend. thank you for being vulnerable.

    ReplyDelete
  8. praise to the God of transformation who is indeed making all thing new...even us.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you for your prayers for my family this weekend. My brother apologized, and while we do not agree, we are now just going to agree to disagree. Your comment really had me thinking - about how often legalism and holiness are confused, and how living Biblically is optional in this culture. So much to ponder. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete