I am physically and emotionally tired. Some days I wonder who I am. Other days I wonder if there is any value to me other than that person who provides clean clothes, dishes, food, entertainment and attempts to clean the house. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I have felt helpless and hopeless. Some of the situations in my life look incredibly bleak. I do not see a way out. At times, my future seems unbearably dark.
For about a month now, I have been crying out to God about this. Begging Him to fix this brokenness, I yell " I can't do this anymore! You need to do something!" I don't pull punches with God. He gets a very honest earful. Earlier this week, Steve held me while I screamed "Where are You, God?!? Where Are You?!?"
This evening was extremely rough, with some extreme behaviour on the part of my children and some strange physical symptoms on my part. I felt light-headed and exhausted. Since Steve injured his ankle, I have been driving when we're as a family. He is driving with his left foot, but I'm not as comfortable since I'm used to his proper driving skills. For the time being, he gets to "enjoy" being a passenger. Thankfully I'm currently driving well and not freaking him out. Tonight though, I was feeling bad enough that he drove us home from my parents. Had I been staying home, I would have gone to bed immediately. But I was, of course, scheduled to go out with my best friend Kate to a Good Friday service.
I went. And I was blessed. It's hard to explain exactly what happened. I don't have all the words. There is still more processing that needs to be done. But I know that God met me there. I know that He is here, that He is in this situation. Tonight the service focussed on how God is there for both the broken and the bully. He heals them both. But to get to that point, takes time. Now I need to continue to wait. I need to surrender my need to know, my need for immediate answers. I want my life to glorify God. I want to be completely healed. Both of those take time and surrender. *sigh* I'm sure that this process won't be easy. Trauma sucks. However, right now I have the hope that I need to continue. Hopefully the next time it gets this hard, I will flip back through my blog entries to remind myself that God is here, He has not abandoned me yet. By His grace and His grace alone, I will be okay. And for that I am thankful beyond measure!