Recently, I've realized that I struggle with this feeling in regards to relationships too. Often I beat myself up for all the things that I could have done and didn't. But I've been learning that I need to stop. Yes, I need to try my best. Yes, I need to obey God when He tells me to do something. But other people's choices are not my fault. And even in the midst of all of my failures, God can still use my life to bring glory to Himself. That absolutely boggles my mind!
We had a great message at church this morning that really convicted me. Strangely enough, the part that grabbed my attention was part of the introduction, not part of the main focus of the sermon. Afterwards, I was chatting with a lovely young lady and we got on to the topic of serving God in the midst of our crazy lives. We both struggle with balancing everything and often feel like we're failing God and everybody around us. I shared some crazy stories from my own life and then about what God is doing in my parent's life right now. By the end of that story, we were both bawling. Sometimes we think that once we've been redeemed, that everything should go perfectly. Suddenly everything will be rosy and we'll become the perfect friend, spouse, child and parent. When that doesn't happen, I question God not so much about who He is, but who I am. Am I this weird defective person because my life isn't picture perfect ? But God isn't about surface perfection. I'm slowly learning that He's about taking my brokenness and turning it into this beautiful picture that perfectly points to Him. So right now, I'm stopping. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to try my best, or stop working on the areas of my life that need help, but this means that I'm going to stop stressing about how messed up I am and trust that God can and will redeem that too. Man, do I feel better now! :)