In my kitchen hangs a painting with the quote "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Faith is one of those hard things, something tenuous, or cotton-candy like, appearing substancial until taken hold of. Over the last 10 months, I've wrestled with my faith. Is God good? Am I crazy for continuing to follow this God- Man that I can't see, can't touch and am not sure has my best interests at heart? Some of my friends wonder at my continued reliance on this invisible force and how I shape my life around this belief especially in the hard times. But even in the storm, still I believe.
Today I woke sick. Everything hurt. We are going on vacation next week and I cannot be sick. I need to do all those momma things while packing and cleaning and preserving. But instead I was so sick I couldn't eat or drink. Came downstairs to find that my littlest has an infected finger, so off to the doctors we went. Car in the shop, so baby on back, momma on bus. Going there went well, but coming back, tired, sick, hurting, struggling not to fall asleep while sitting in the chair...that was torture. Construction changed the bus routes so I walked uphill to a farther spot. Walking hurt less than standing still so I kept walking. Got off where I needed to change buses and felt dead. Didn't know how I would make it home. Head pounding, tummy churning, cranky baby on back pulling at hair. I couldn't make it home on my own, and no one could come get me.
This is why I believe. Because in those moments of being pushed beyond what I can bear, I know that there is Someone Else who carries me. I prayed and when I felt my prayers were too weak, I called my mom. She prayed for me and kept me on the phone until my next bus came. And she kept praying. And I was given the strength to keep going, to get home, to get my baby's prescription, to give him his meds. After that I was blessed by my wonderful MIL volunteering to take the outside edges(oldest and youngest child) home with her, while my middle child played happily outside with his friend. I slept, the pain receded and I feel much more human now.
Without the pain and angst of life, I suspect I wouldn't need anything more to me. I wouldn't call out for help or need to bask in the love of the Eternal One. So today I am thankful both for adversity and for that Strong Arm that holds me always.