I've been angry a lot recently. Angry at life, at injustice, at my failure to keep my floors clean and the ants that take advantage of that. On the flip side, although ants make me angry, killing ants relieves a lot of my frustration. They're just so nice to squish! I'm angry at my body that has so many different aches/pains/weaknesses sometimes rendering me unable to do tasks well, other times just rendering me unwilling. I'm angry at my laziness, my own frustration and anger. I'm angry with God. To be honest, I'm just plain angry.
I try to stop being angry. I try to understand what's going on inside my head. It's not helping. I try to pray, to praise God for the blessings, to ask Him for help. That doesn't seem to work either. I vent at my poor unsuspecting spouse. That really doesn't work! This deep anger doesn't want to go away. I feel helpless in its path.
And then something happens. Whether it's the opening chords of a song I love, sitting outside on a camp chair while my baby sleeps on my lap, or picking raspberries from my parents' patch, that hard knot inside dissolves. Sometimes suddenly, sometimes gradually, the anger dissipates and I relax. Once again joy, peace and patience return and my shoulders stop keeping company with my ears. My chest opens up, I breathe deeply again. There's a smile on my face. It's okay.
I can't stop those angry moments. I'm sure they'll be great fodder for my counselling appointment. But I am so grateful for those other moments that remove my negative emotions. I'm thankful for the reminders that encourage me like three gleaming jars of raspberry jam on the counter and a beautiful new ceiling fan in my kitchen. During those bad moments, I will cling to the good and keep breathing. Hopefully I will also keep my mouth shut and not yell at that wonderful man who installed the fan. (Steve seriously rocks!) Pray for us!